There's more to love than words
by ercarterfan
Summary: Conversations from afar. Carter and Abby work on their relationship while on different continents. Rough Carby fuzz
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Please R and R and let me know what you think. First part of hopefully a warm and fuzzy Carby fic.  
  
THERE'S MORE TO LOVE THAN WORDS  
  
1: I'm sorry  
  
Sometimes love is not what it seems. You can love someone with all your heart and never have that kind of love returned to you. Right now at this point was how I felt. I had loved with all my heart and never had that kind of love returned to me. That was not to say that I was never loved. I know that I had been, but not the way that I wanted it to be. Abby loved me, but somehow the love that we had for each other did not seem to be enough to overcome the obstacles that had been throw in front of us by life.  
We both carried an insurmountable amount of baggage. Her baggage was from her previous marriage to Richard, her bi-polar mother and dysfunctional family. My baggage came in the form of being shipped to boarding school at a young age because no one wanted to deal with me, from losing my younger brother to Leukemia, the unspeakable abuse that I suffered as a child. Everyone thought that because I came from a wealthy family that my life had to have been all roses, but that just was not the case. Life for me was more than far from perfect. Money cannot buy you everything, and I do not think that I ever tried to have it. I tried so hard to escape the life of the rich, but relied on family money more than I wanted to.  
Now here I was in the middle of Africa, wondering where I had gone wrong. There was something that I had done wrong with my relationship with Abby and I did not know if things would ever be right between the two of us. There was so much that was unsaid between the two of us. I wanted to make it right. Find the place that we had seem to stray so far from so long ago. As much as I did not know if that was possible, I knew that I did not want to give up completely on the two of us. I hoped that she felt the same way that I did. I was not ready to return to Chicago quite yet. There were things that I wanted to do here before I left. I also wanted to make sure that I had something in Chicago to return to before I made the decision to turn my back completely on the place that I used to call home. I sat down with a pen in hand, paper in front of me. I had sent a letter so long ago and realized that I had made one of the greatest mistakes of my life sending that letter.  
  
Dear Abby,  
I know that I hurt you when I wrote to you last. For that, you will never see how sorry I am. I have done a great deal of soul searching trying to understand why I did what I did. There are no easy answers to explain why I sent it to you. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me for the pain that I have caused you.  
I lost my way when my grandmother died. And it felt like a part of me died when she did. She was the greatest thing in my life, next to you. You will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to me Abby. But when I left Chicago, it seemed that all hope of us finding our way back to each other was lost. I do not want it to be that way. I know that we cannot just pick up where we left off, there has been too much hurt between the two of us, words that we have spoken in anger that we cannot take back, actions that should have been taken that now cannot be.  
What I am trying to say, now that I can see I am rambling like a lovesick fool, is that I am sorry Abby. Sorry for not explaining why I left. I have searched my soul for days now, trying to understand everything myself. I know why you had to go and get Eric as if you did the day Gamma left us, but it does not make it any easier to understand that you were not there for me when I needed you the most. You were right to put your family first, and I should have tried to be more understanding at the time. Right now, I need you to be patient with me. Try to understand that my life is in turmoil and I am trying to sort everything out, to find the path that I need to be on in life. This is not easy for me to tell you. I want you to know Abby that I do love you, that I have not forgotten you. Your face is the only thing that I see when I close my eyes.  
Abby I cannot say when I will be returning to Chicago; right now, I do not know for sure myself. What I want to know is will you be there when I get back? Can we try to work out the things that are keeping us apart from each other? I love you Abby, I always have and I always will. You have my heart Abby.  
  
John  
  
I finished the letter reading it over to myself before finding the nerve to send it. I did not want everyone at the hospital to see it and I did not want to wait forever for it to get to her, so I had it sent overnight to her. I hope that she would read it and find it in her heart to answer. The waiting was going to be hard, but I felt that it was something that I just had to do. 


	2. Forgiveness Comes Easy

Forgiveness Comes Easy:  
  
I was sitting in my flannel pajamas fighting off the cold and trying to study. The medical book had been open on my lap for an hour now and I still had not turned the page. My mind kept drifting. I was not sure why thoughts of Carter had to keep creeping into my mind. I told myself repeatedly that he was the one who had left me. It was not the other way around. I was not the one who packed up with out a word after being gone for 2 weeks and leave again even though I did not want him to go back to a place that was so dangerous.  
I got up and walked over to the door. There was a deliveryman standing outside my door I slowly opened it.  
"Abigail Lockhart?" He asked.  
"That's me." I replied.  
"I have a package for you." He said handing me the envelope.  
"Thank you." I said taking it from him. I signed for it and watched him walk away from me. I cradled the envelope in my arm as I returned to my chair. Slowly I glanced at where it was from. Africa, it had to have been from Carter, but I did not know why he would be sending me anything after all this time. Did he decide that dumping me via a letter was not good enough the first time? That he needed to make another attempt at it. I debated whether to open it or not. Finally, curiosity got the better of me and I found myself opening it. I read the letter that was inside and the tears started to fall. While it was a feeble attempt at saying, he was sorry it was a welcome one. I knew that I could find it in my heart to forgive him especially with everything that we had been thru.  
It took awhile for me to be able to stop crying and manage to move. I searched and quickly found a pen and paper. Carter might come home after all. My heart skipped a beat thinking that he would come home for me, to me.  
  
Dear Carter,  
  
I would have started Dear John, but I did not want you to get the wrong idea. I have missed you more than words can say. And yes, I have thought about you a lot while you have been gone. I have been worried that something might happen to you that you would never come home to Chicago. My heart has been longing for you to come home.  
I will not tell you that things have not changed here. Shortly after you left, I decided that I needed to go back to med school. I want to change for the better. I know that I told you that people never change, but I was wrong. People can change if they want to. I found that out. I have been working thru some issues that I have had hoping that maybe if I worked hard enough that we can fix all that we did wrong together and put our relationship back on track.  
Getting that letter from you John, is the highlight of my entire year. Nothing would make me happier than to know that you are getting on a plane and coming home, coming back to me. I know that things are going to be awkward and hard for us at first. We have both grown over the time we have been apart and even though I would love us to pick up where we left off, my heart tells me that are not possible. The spot that we left off at was so horrible for both of us, starting again with a clean slate; I know we can make this work.  
You wanted to know if I would be here waiting for you when you got home. The answer to that is yes. I was so hurt when I got the letter from you telling me that you did not think that you would ever be coming home and my heart broke when you told me that I needed to move on with my life.  
I have moved on with my life Carter, but I have not been able to move away from you. The love that I feel for you still burns in my heart. Come home soon love.  
  
Yours through it all, Abby  
  
I folded the letter and then quickly went and got dressed. I did not want him to have to wait for answer and I knew how he felt with sending the letter to me. I wanted Carter to come home. I had wished that I could just close my eyes and will him home but part of me knew that the time would come and he would be home before I knew it. 


	3. Going home

Chapter 3: Going home  
  
A/N: French is not a language that I am fluent in. So if I'm not grammatically correct with it please don't be harsh. I tried my best to get it right. For those who need them the translations are on the bottom of the page.  
  
I was sitting talking with the other doctors around the table when a overnight package was placed in front of me. News from home had arrived. I looked at the address on it and it was from Abby. She had gotten my letter and now my hands were shaking at what could have been inside. Did I dare open it? What news was inside? I didn't know how such a small package could cause such anxiety.  
I looked at it again. "Open it you fool." I said to myself. It was either going to tell you she wants you to come home or that you should go throw yourself into an Africa ravine. I slowly opened it. My eyes read the words that were on the page, once, twice, three times I read it. It was almost as if I couldn't believe what was written.  
"Good news from home?" I heard Angelique ask.  
"Yes, it's very good news from home." I said looking up. I could feel the film of tears forming on my eyes.  
"You're crying Carter." She said looking at me funny.  
"Yes, Abby wants me to come home." I said smiling.  
"I am glad for that Carter." She said, "but I suppose that means that I am going to be now losing one of the best doctors that I have had in a long time, except for Luka."  
"I guess that is what it means." Carter said looking across the table at her, "but hey now at least you have more help."  
"Oui, mais vous serez douloureusement manqué ici aussi mon ami." She said to me.  
"I know that you will miss me and you are my friend as well. Vous savez que je reviendrai encore. J'aime travailler ici avec vous, mais mon Abby me veut toujours et je l'aime plus que n'importe quoi dans ce monde." She looked at me, "I must say Carter that you French has improved a great deal since you were here the first time. I know that you will come back again Carter, go fix your relationship with your Abby, for she is camarade d'âme." "Yes she is my camarade d'âme, my soul mate." I said to her looking wishfully away. "Maintenant aller. Sortir d'ici avant que je change mon esprit d'est heureux que vous partiez. Dieu expédie votre retour à l'Amérique mon ami. Pouvoir vous trouvez le bonheur à l'aise." "I'm going I'm going." I said back to her, "don't worry, I don't plan on sticking around until you change you mind about me leaving you." Carter could not help but chuckle, he was going home.  
  
Translations:  
  
Oui, mais vous serez douloureusement manqué ici aussi mon ami is Yes, but you will be painfully missed here also my friend  
  
Vous savez que je reviendrai encore. J'aime travailler ici avec vous, mais mon Abby me veut toujours et je l'aime plus que n'importe quoi dans ce monde is You know that I will return again. I like to work here with you, but my Abby wants me always and I like it more than does not import what in this world  
  
Maintenant aller. Sortir d'ici avant que je change mon esprit d'est heureux que vous partiez. Dieu expédie votre retour à l'Amérique mon ami. Pouvoir vous trouvez le bonheur à l'aise. is Now go. Get out of here before I change my mind about being happy that you are leaving. God speed your return to America my friend. May you find happiness at home. 


	4. Phone calls home

Chapter 4: Phone call home  
  
A/N: So sorry for the time that it took me to update this, but I got wrapped up in school and didn't have the time with everything that has been going on. Life has to come first sometimes. Please as always read and review!  
  
Carter couldn't wait now to get back to Chicago and to his Abby. Fate had kept them apart long enough and it was time that they worked on what ever might be between them. He wanted that house in the suburbs with the white picket fence. She filled his thoughts, his every waking breath as he boarded the plane for home. There was nothing but an ocean between them, nothing keeping him from crossing that ocean back to the one person who held onto his heart. Home, that word didn't seem as scary anymore now that he knew that he had something to go home to.  
  
He watched as the plane taxied to the end of the runway to take him away from Africa. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. They were in the air now, nothing but time. He leaned back in the somewhat uncomfortable airplane seat and closed his eyes. He could see her standing there in front of him. Looking at him as if time had stopped. He could see the love in her eyes. He missed her more than he had missed anyone else in his life. Suddenly the reasons for leaving in the first place seemed nothing more than trivial.  
  
After several hours they landed in London for a stop over. It was late now and he wasn't sure if she would be home, working or sleeping. They had a short layover at Heathrow, when he got off the plane; he found a phone and left a message on her machine.  
"Abby it's John, I know that you are probably working hard at County, and I'm not sure why I decided to call you at home, knowing that you would be there, I guess that I just wanted to leave this telling you that I love you with all my heart and I will be home soon. I promise you that I will be home soon." Soon he'd be home, he loved her with all his heart, he knew that now after all this time, going away spending the time away just opened his eyes to how much he had at home, what he had walked away from, what he had been so quick to try to throw away, and it wouldn't be much longer now before he was home there with her. He wasn't ever going to leave her like that again. That was one promise that he knew that he could keep, to her and to himself.  
Abby paced back and forth watching the clock. Her shift had just started, she had patients that she was taking care of, yet time seemed to stand still. Carter was flying home and would be here in about 12 hours. She didn't know how she was going to stand the time. It dragged on and on. Nothing made it go faster it was just the opposite. Seconds seemed to be lasting hours and minutes lasting like they were days. She went from patient to patient, getting thru their complaints thinking just 12 more hours. I get to pick him up at the end of my shift, just get to the end of my shift.  
  
6 hours later she was taking her break. Just 6 more hours, Abby, just 6 more hours you can make it. She leaned back against the back of the couch in the lounge. When she closed her eyes she could see his smiling face. "You're coming home to me." She said to herself. The thought of Carter brought a smile to her face. She missed him more than she had missed anyone else in the world. The first letter that he had written her was taped to the inside of her locker where she could look at it whenever her heart ached for him. She had pictures of them together now taped up inside of it. Carter was the one great love of her life, and she was going to do whatever she could to keep him there.  
  
Her break somehow managed to fly by fast. Her beeper bringing her back from the world of dreams, how could something go by so fast, but yet the rest of the night do nothing but drag on. She got up and headed back out to the ER, there was a trauma coming in and she was expected to help with it. Just 6 more hours, just 6 more hours. 


	5. Fear, Worry, nightmare

A/N: Short chapter, but it's this way for a reason.  
  
Fear, Worry, Nightmare  
  
Carter put his seat back in the upright position for landing. Almost home. There was just a few more minutes separating him from Chicago, from Abby. The flight had gone smooth and the time had flown fast. He listened as the captain's voice announced there imminent arrive at O'Hare. Then came the bump. He was jolted in his seat, another, turbulence, they had to have hit turbulence. He could see the lights of O'Hare below them now they were almost about to touch down on the runway. The plane hit hard as Carter was thrown forward by the jolt. He could feel them skidding sideway. "Oh god no." He said as he started to silently pray. He survived the Congo to make it almost home, to die in a plane crash...."you have got to be kidding me," he said as he tucked his head between his knees and prepared for the worst. The lights went out in the cabin. He could feel the plane rolling, once twice, it was like he was trapped in a nightmare that was never going to end. Carter felt the sticky warmth of blood trickling down the side of his face as his eyes closed...................   
  
Abby walked into O'Hare, just a few more minutes and he would be here safe and sound with no worries. Fear filled her body when she heard over the PA system that the flight from London was delayed because of an accident. She could feel her entire body go numb as she listened for where family members of those on the flight were supposed to go. Her hands now started to shake and tremble. Why was this happening now we were so close to finally be able to put things back together? Dear lord let him be alright, please let him be alright, runs thru Abby's head. Her pager is now violently vibrating against her hip, yet she can't go back she has to stay there. She has to find a way to let them, let her go out onto the runway and help. Abby knows that she has to do something; if she sits here she was going to go crazy with worry. Abby opened her cell phone, calling them telling County and telling them that she was at the scene now. She walks, almost at a run, still numb, consumed with worry, fear, this was a nightmare for her, up to a security officer telling him that her that she was a doctor. He quickly grabbed her arm at took her over to where they are triaging people. God where he is? Where is John? 


	6. Can't do anything the easy way

Can't do anything the easy way  
  
A/N: I tried to write this a few different ways but the easiest way was to do this from each of their own points of view....it might get confusing but I'll try to keep it so that I don't accidentally lose anyone along the way.  
  
Carter's pov.......  
  
My eye lids were heavy as I fought to open them. I was hanging upside down; screams and sobs filled my ears. I braced myself as I undid the seatbelt trying not to fall. There were injured people all around me now. I reached up and helped the woman that had been sitting next to me down. She didn't appear to be injured badly. We were both upside down, disoriented from the smoke and being tossing around like rag dolls. I put my arm around her as I tried to find a way out of this mess. The plane doesn't resemble the plane that I got on just a few hours ago in London. I have never seen anything like this before. The train wreck that I had to help on scene didn't even look like this. I got her to the exit the best I could, stepping over broken seats and strewn baggage. It looked like something out of an action movie.   
  
As I got her safely outside I knew that there were more people in there that needed me help as I turned back to help others. I rush back into the plane stumbling as the smoke is thick and almost blinding, I pull people from seats, untangle them from what they are wrapped around, laying under, laying on top of. Each person I help, I know has to be someone's mother, father, brother, sister, son or daughter. I would have wanted someone to help my loved ones if they had been on this plane and able too. I must have helped 40 or 50 people out of the plane before a firefighter pulled me from the wreckage. Outside people where sitting or standing. Some in shock, some bleeding, some no longer here on this earth, and I count my blessings right there and then that I was not seriously hurt, that I was still walking and talking, that I was alive. I could see triage tents not far from where the plane had come to a rest, but my help was needed here right now. I attended to those who I could help. It wasn't long before someone asked me if I was a doctor. I told them that I was, that I had been on the plane. After what felt like an eternity they pulled me away from the wreckage itself as I slowly walked towards the triage area. Thoughts of finding Abby now are the only thing I can think of...............  
  
I helped the last triaged patient into the back of the ambulance and closed the door. There was still no sign of Carter anywhere. I didn't know if he was laying somewhere bleeding to death or if he had been one of the casualties. It broke my heart not knowing. I looked across the field at the wreckage that was scattered all over the runway. I had never seen such carnage in my life. Bags tossed, things that belonged to those people were scattering to the wind. People had been walking around almost in a zombie like state. The shock and horror of what they had been thru clearly painted on their faces. I had seen, or rather I had thought that I had seen just about everything working at County, but after this I knew that I was wrong. There was so much I hadn't seen, so much that I hadn't done. The world could be a cruel place, life and death were not a stranger to me, I had watched people die, that was part of the job, holding their hands as they took their last breaths, making their transition from the world as easy as we could, as pain free as humanly possible.   
  
There walking away from the plane surrounded by firefighters and medics were a figure that I would have recognized anywhere. Even after months of his absence. My heart leapt as he was walking this way. I let the tears of happiness and relief fall down my cheeks as I took off at a run, as fast as my legs would carry me towards him. All of the anger, hurt, abandonment that I had felt left me. He was alive and home, that was the only thing that mattered to me right now. I didn't stop running until I had my arms around his neck. Holding onto him as if he was a lifeline in a turbulent storm. I reached up and kissed him. I had never been so overjoyed to see anyone in my life. This one moment in time could last forever for all I cared. I broke away from him burying my head against his chest. "Thank god you're alive." I was still crying. As I felt his strong arms holding me tightly. "Abby," I hear his voice say, as I felt his hand run down my back. "I thought that I was never going to see you again." I pull back away from him looking him in the eyes. I can see the tears that are misting in his dark brown eyes. The same eyes that I had fallen in love with so long ago. "You're here now and that's all that matters." I say to him as I lean back into him, "that's all that matters now."  
  
THE END! 


End file.
